…. I feel for you.
May be you chose to stay home. May be not. But you are here. And let me tell you, how fortunate you are, to be able to witness the wonder that childhood is. And you get to see it every single day.
They grow up too soon.
The other day I found an old video of when my son was one and half years old (he is five and half now). He was trying to tell us that he wanted to be taken out. With his plump baby legs, he would make several rounds from us to the shoes’ rack, and try to explain that he wanted to be taken out. He took out our shoes; he got his own shoes and tried wearing them.
That video really wasn’t much, but I watched that video in a loop. I watched it hiding from my husband. I felt silly doing that. But even thinking about that video makes me cry. I can’t explain it. I was there when that video was taken. I have always been around. But I felt that he has grown up too fast. He is just five and I already miss his childhood.
So, that’s the reason I feel you are fortunate. I am thankful for every single day. I try to make the most of it. Every single day is unique and special. Kids grow up every single day. The other day he used to scribble all over the walls since he didn’t know how to write, now he spells words like ‘hypothetical’ and ‘exquisite’.
It is truly thrilling to be where the action is, to be present on the moments when he makes big leaps, when he shares tiny details about school, when he asks me to hold him close. I feel privileged because I have the luxury of time to do all that.
I know sometimes you regret not having a career, sometimes you look at working mothers and feel that perhaps you could have the best of both worlds too. But we choose what we believe in. And sometimes fate chooses it for us. But making the most of it is in our hands.
Don’t tell me you don’t feel that little flutter in your heart when you catch your sleeping baby smiling. It is so precious.
I have peace in my heart that to this piece of my heart, I gave my all. I did not hold back, I always gave my all. I tried every single day to be my best, be the best parent I can be. Many times I have struggled. First three years were extremely challenging, I will not try to sugarcoat them. I used to take each day at a time, always reassuring myself that the time will pass. And the time sure passed too quickly. He is on the threshold of being an independent boy of 6, which makes me want to hold onto this time much more.
He surprises me every single day. He is not the sum of both of us; he is astoundingly so much more.
I love being with him. At his age, he wants to grow up fast; to become taller, to become stronger but I tell him, “hold on kid! It’s nothing what you imagine. Growing up means a whole lot of responsibilities. It is not as if you have your way when you grow up”.
Sometimes I just trick him to sleep. I lie down and listen to everything. I will listen to all that he would be doing. Reading books, or writing and slowly just climbing next to me saying ‘Mamma, I’m sleepy’ (he would never be caught saying those words). I will hug him close and wrap him in my blanket. It feels so precious. I take in that moment, and feel gratitude for it.
So, dear mother, I feel for you, about your career and all, but believe me these moments are too special.